Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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