I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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