it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize