the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
