Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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