Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
