Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am spending my child support on dildos
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Randomize