My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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