Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
