He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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