just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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