the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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