my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
