woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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