Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize