whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
