I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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