Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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