He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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