I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
