Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
