at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
