instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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