I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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