i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
