Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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