I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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