Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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