Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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