The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
