A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
