My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Pants are for mortals
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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