Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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