community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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