Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
