no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How does one acquire holy water?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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