It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
