i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize