i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
