i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize