we made out on top of his cat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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