checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
