I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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