you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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