Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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