Old men and throwing up are my life now.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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