i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
