My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
