Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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