I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My cat gives me a boner
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize