im drinking this country out of the recession.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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