He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
