Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
