why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
