Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need a beard to bite.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
