Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
