I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
