I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
