1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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