Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize