life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
