Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
