I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
