I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize