so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
