I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
