i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
