i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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